Controversial Statement Tuesday: Only In Town For A Couple Days Edition

Tourists suck.

Reason 1: They slow down my commute
I take public transportation to work because I'm a great person. It's an economical and eco-friendly way to get where I'm going, and it's usually pretty speedy as well. Except when a tourist intervenes. Nearly every week on my daily commute down Michigan Avenue, some lost tourist stops the bus, steps onto the first step, thus blocking people who know where they are going from entering, and asks "Is this the bus I take to get to Navy Pier?" No, dimwit. And then they stand there for another minute getting directions from the driver, while I watch the stoplight turn from green to yellow to fucked. Let me spare you the trouble, misguided tourist. Navy Pier sucks. Its sole purpose is to take your hard-earned dollars in exchange for a mediocre time. If you really want to get there, take a cab. Or walk. Something you don't get to do in Ruralia.

Reason 2: They block the sidewalk
Nothing pisses me off more than people who are unaware of their surroundings. On a nice summer day, I like to walk home from work. All too often, I'm trekking down Michigan Ave at a normal to brisk pace when I come upon a family of five walking at a slow to glacial pace five across down the sidewalk. If I say excuse me, I get a blank stare then thirty seconds of comprehension and then movement. This is far from the tourist's most egregious offense though. In fact, Michigan Avenue is a touristy area, so they should be allowed to occupy space at a gingerly pace. What bothers me most is when they douchily decide to take a picture that spans the width of the sidewalk blocking people from getting where they are going. The side of my head must be featured in at least 30 such pictures.

Reason 3: They have terrible taste in food
If you're going to come to my city and irritate the hell out of me, at least make it worth it. Go to the Hancock building and have drinks at the Signature Room. Check out the Lincoln Park Zoo or the Bean in Millennium Park. But most of all try our food. We're known for everything from junk food (pizza, gum and hot dogs) to fine dining (Trotter, Tramonto, Bayless) and I can think of dozens of restaurants in dozens of neighborhoods downtown and around that I'd like to try. So, it pisses me off to walk by a suburbanite ass to suburbanite elbow TGI Friday's mere steps away from Coco Pazzo. Talk to your concierge. Get a reservation at a real restaurant. I would venture to guess that there's a TGI Friday's, Ruby Tuesday's and Nothing To Do Saturday's within 20 minutes of your home.

Edited to add: Please leave comments about why you don't like tourists to visit your fair city in the comment section.

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