Douche of the Week: Keith and Lanarino's Upstairs Neighbor Edition

Although an overwhelming number of you haven't forgiven him, Al's reign as chief douche is officially over with this guest submission from Keith (or something that starts with a K, I always forget) and Lanarino in Columbus, O-H-I-shut up. This marks our first ever guest column that isn't a column at all, but a picture instead. Enjoy.

Makes sense, although Al may take issue with the douches being elephants...

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Douche of the Week: Campaign Al Edition

Wow, I can’t believe the response we got. Over 200 votes from people who wanted to weigh in on how I decorated my living room. Thanks so much, although I felt a bit like Ed from Ed TV (minus the abs…working on it though).

But I have a confession to make and my heart aches as I make it. Now I know how Bill felt the second time he addressed the nation. After the first round of voting, I was inspired to go out and look at furniture. In my zealousness to right my past wrongs I went a little overboard and purchased a couch. I know, I'm sorry, and that’s why the Douche of the Week title goes to me.
Well why did I let this charade go on? I did not want to upset Mazerino who had so much invested in this so I played him and the rest of you and for that I am sorry.

To compensate,
1) I’m going to get rid of my biggest asset and I promise not to reacquire it for 370 days (that’s one day for every vote that was cast, and one extra day for every vote that was cast for #3). Yes, I am going to get rid of my beard, the beard that got me countless second glances and stares.
2) I relinquish 1% of my 48% stake in C&E and redistribute it among all those who voted.
3) I relinquish my title as VP of the "Poll Fairness and Ethics Committee"
4) I promise never to take off my clothes when I sit on the couch (at least when someone’s in the room)

But there are some positives to this experience
1) Berg and Rach showed that a “get out the vote” campaign really works (More in a forthcoming political post)
2) I bought a couch (Everyone is invited to sit on it and have a glass of red wine if they promise not to spill it)
3) People have learned that a majority does not necessarily translate into a win, especially if the Supreme Court intervenes

Oh… and in case you’re interested I bought #2 in a brown shade. Hopefully it’s worth the burden of letting you down, a burden that I am going to carry with me for the rest of my life.

PS Coming soon...Vote for my bed.

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Douche of the Week Guest Column: Swpski's Roommate Edition

Editor's note: Swpski is a friend of the blog and occasional commenter who moved from Chicago to the great state of California last year. Here is his story:

I was going to write a witty response to Mazerino's post on dogs. I side with the man after being hit in the secret no-no spot by the same dog in question. I say if you are going to have something that you have to constantly take care of and clean up poop after, make it a kid. That way in forty years when I am allowed to retire, at least someone will be funding my Social Security benefits... I instead have decided to write about a human douchebag of the week--one of my roommates who Mazerino and Dr. BJ know all to well as the human box (he's as wide as he is tall).

I came home from a rather crappy day at work to find the front door unlocked, the full trash cans not taken out, the back door open, the door to his room ajar with the window wide open and a stupid-looking fedora on the table. He had the day off but still couldn't take out the trash. Douche.

Last night I came back from the gym to find his fat ass on the couch watching "Seinfeld" and burning incense. If I want to smell like a hippie I will go hang out in Golden Gate Park (happens to be his favorite place to go to on a Sunday).

Sunday morning I drove home two hours from camping, and his lazy ass asks me for a ride to work. He has to be there by noon, and he is going to be late if I don't give him a ride. If you can't make it to a job by noon on a Sunday you are a dumbass. He also told me I should watch "Walk Hard, the Dewey Cox story" because it was hilarious. I told him I couldn't take him to work because I was going mountain biking. I sat at home and watched the Dewey Cox movie. It was horrible.


Based on the aforementioned misdeeds and a laundry list of other impolite infractions, the human box is our reigning "Douche of the Week or Time It Takes to Name a New Douche."

--Swpski

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Douche of the Week: Ford Taurus b*tch who almost killed me

I realize that it's been a while since we last named a douche of the week, but the people I generally interact with have a low douchiness factor. Unfortunately, today that was not the case and we have a new Douche of the Time It Takes to Name a New Douche (DotTITtNaND)--the lady in the Ford Taurus who ran a red light an nearly ended my blogging career.

As I normally do every evening, I chose the eco-friendly, shared-ride CTA bus as my mode of transport. I got off the bus at my normal stop and, after looking both ways, crossed the street at the crosswalk--I had the "walk" signal. But, I saw a tan car headed toward the light without slowing down. So, I quickly jumped back as this lady in the Ford Taurus blew the light missing me by about a foot (~0.3 meters for our international viewers). I shouted some things I'm not totally proud of and made a hand gesture that I also stand by.

I was incensed, and I still am as I write this. That a-hole nearly put me in the hospital because she was in a hurry or too stupid to follow traffic signals. There were 5 cars around that were all stopped and I was in clear sight. Lady, you're a douche.

Artist's rendition (I'm the camel, obviously. The a-hole is in the tan car):

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Douche of the Week

I had an extra ticket to the Wilco show and I decided to sell it on CraigsList. I guess you could consider me the douche of the week for attempting to sell my ticket at 3x face value, but hey, I'm a capitalist and that was the market price. So, I nominate random guy who responded to my sale as the first "Camels and Elephants Douche of the Week" (DOTW):

My original ad:

1 ticket available for Saturday for $150 firm. I can meet in the Loop or somewhere downtown.

**Item of note here: "1 ticket"

From: DOTW
To: Mazerino
Subject: Wilco Ticket

sold if still available! im trying to take my lady for v-day.

thanks a ton,
[Douche]


"Be playful in your innocence and lift your head up high.
Rejoice for all you see without your eyes.
Sing on, like a bird that's makin' love in sunset skies"

**Item of note here: stupid song lyric sig line. I get it, you like music.

From: Mazerino
To: DOTW
Subject: Re: Wilco ticket

Hi,

Yes, it's still available. Can we meet sometime tomorrow downtown? The ticket is $150 in cash.

From: DOTW
To: Mazerino
Subject: Re: Wilco ticket

hey, isn't a pair for $150

**Can't you read a f'ing post?!

From: Mazerino
To: DOTW
Subject: Re: Wilco ticket

No, I only have 1 ticket.

From: DOTW
To: Mazerino
Subject: Re: Wilco ticket

nevermind- thats fucking ridiculous dude. you sir, are an asshole.
i bet you really love wilco to [sic].

**Nice grammar rules, buddy, but I think you meant "too"
And finally, my response:

Sorry to disappoint, but my post clearly says 1 ticket for $150. Thats what they're going for on stubhub. Not sure why you'd attack my character, but good luck getting to the show.

Aww, I hope I didn't ruin his Valentine's day plans :'(

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