Douche of the Week: Keith and Lanarino's Upstairs Neighbor Edition

Although an overwhelming number of you haven't forgiven him, Al's reign as chief douche is officially over with this guest submission from Keith (or something that starts with a K, I always forget) and Lanarino in Columbus, O-H-I-shut up. This marks our first ever guest column that isn't a column at all, but a picture instead. Enjoy.

Makes sense, although Al may take issue with the douches being elephants...

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Guest Column: Plain Jane's Business School Myths Edition

Editor's note: We invite our readers to write their own columns about whatever they please, because, frankly, we're too lazy to write our own stuff (and Fadilicious is MIA). This week's entry comes from Plain Jane. She is a former co-worker of the camels and elephant who abandoned them for seemingly greener pastures at business school. Here is her plight:

Hello dear C&E readers,

As a dedicated reader of C&E, I'm honored to have the opportunity to contribute a guest column for your enjoyment. I am currently attending a fine institution known as the [redacted fancy schmancy school] and wanted to share a few words about the fact that business school just isn't all it's cracked up to be. Hope you enjoy the column as I dispel 4 common business school myths.

Myth #1: The hardest part of business school is getting in.

This is the biggest myth of all of them! Business school is hard!! And I'm not just saying that because I'm of below average intelligence (according to the GMAT, I'm actually supposed to be smarter, on average, than most of my classmates). It was with complete shock and despair that I realized that I actually had to work really hard to understand what's going on. I really wanted to raise my hand on my first day in Finance to ask if I was still at [elite institution which shall not be named] as my head was spinning to try to understand the concept of capital budgeting. And things haven't gotten easier now that I'm in my third quarter. I cry (literally) every Thursday afternoon and early evening as I desperately try to make sense of the Operations cases that are due on Friday mornings. So, remember this, dear bloggers, business school is actually academically quite rigorous! Who knew!?!?

Myth #2: Business will help you find the career of your dreams.

If you think that just having an MBA from a top school will have companies fighting to hire you, YOU ARE WRONG! Most of us left our jobs in to figure out what it is that we REALLY want to do. But there no time for soul searching because you are bombarded with company presentations during week 3 of class! So you'd better know what you want to do by then because schmoozing and kissing ass time is precious and essential to getting those coveted closed list spots on interview schedules. I didn't quite get that and was only invited to interview with 1 firm out of the 22 that I applied to...ouch!!! Luckily, I was able to sign up for the open schedule and did land the "internship of my dreams" (I think), marketing [guns at Toys 'R Us, just kidding--redacted]. Others weren't so luckily, I have fellow friends moving to fabulous places such as St Louis, Minneapolis, Columbus, Cincinnati, and my favorite, Battlecreek, MI for their summer internships.

Myth #3: Business school will help you develop a network of incredibly motivated and intelligent people.

Yes, there are some very smart people in business school. But there a surprisingly large amount of annoying dumb people too! I roll my eyes in class at the comments of my classmate's on a regular basis. I seriously doubt the intelligence of my group members weekly. One group member suggested that to market TiVo's effectively to families that like to watch TV together, they should come preloaded with all past Super Bowl games. What?!?!?! A lot of them just really enjoy the sound of their voice and forget that class is not a private tutoring session with the professor [the irony is not lost on your C&E editor]. When discussing a regression analysis that just happened to be about refrigerators, a student actually raised her hand and started the question with "So, let's say I have a refrigerator..."

Myth #4: Business school will be the best 2 years of your life.

I used to strongly believe this myth and was pumped to begin the "best two years of my life" last August. Now, I firmly believe that it's the best two years for the losers who haven't done anything interesting during the 28 years (on average) before they came to business school. Business school is an amazing opportunity for people to re-live their undergraduate experience. The quiet fat girl has another opportunity to drunkenly hook up with as many guys as she possibly can, seeking love and affection in the wrong places. The dorky skinny guy can finally feel like a frat guy while playing flip cup at the bar with his dorky skinny friends. For those of us who actually had a fun four (or more) years at a decent (ie big ten) university, business school can't even come close!

Conclusion

I may have come out sounding a bit harsh and bitter in this column. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a great time! I roll into school at 10:30 (not unlike some people still working at [my previous awesome company where the camels and elephants reside]), and Tuesday has become my favorite going out night. I have met some awesome people and have probably made a lifelong friend or two. I am learning a lot and have finally conquered my nemesis - finance! I wept tears of joy as the light bulb finally went on, and I accurately calculated a firm's free cash flows. But I wanted to be honest with you, dear readers, business school just isn't all it's cracked up to be. I can sum it up pretty accurately with the following words of wisdom used by my high school principal to describe his experience with our class at graduation: it's been real; it's been fun; but it hasn't been real fun.

Thanks for reading!

--Plain Jane

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Douche of the Week Guest Column: Swpski's Roommate Edition

Editor's note: Swpski is a friend of the blog and occasional commenter who moved from Chicago to the great state of California last year. Here is his story:

I was going to write a witty response to Mazerino's post on dogs. I side with the man after being hit in the secret no-no spot by the same dog in question. I say if you are going to have something that you have to constantly take care of and clean up poop after, make it a kid. That way in forty years when I am allowed to retire, at least someone will be funding my Social Security benefits... I instead have decided to write about a human douchebag of the week--one of my roommates who Mazerino and Dr. BJ know all to well as the human box (he's as wide as he is tall).

I came home from a rather crappy day at work to find the front door unlocked, the full trash cans not taken out, the back door open, the door to his room ajar with the window wide open and a stupid-looking fedora on the table. He had the day off but still couldn't take out the trash. Douche.

Last night I came back from the gym to find his fat ass on the couch watching "Seinfeld" and burning incense. If I want to smell like a hippie I will go hang out in Golden Gate Park (happens to be his favorite place to go to on a Sunday).

Sunday morning I drove home two hours from camping, and his lazy ass asks me for a ride to work. He has to be there by noon, and he is going to be late if I don't give him a ride. If you can't make it to a job by noon on a Sunday you are a dumbass. He also told me I should watch "Walk Hard, the Dewey Cox story" because it was hilarious. I told him I couldn't take him to work because I was going mountain biking. I sat at home and watched the Dewey Cox movie. It was horrible.


Based on the aforementioned misdeeds and a laundry list of other impolite infractions, the human box is our reigning "Douche of the Week or Time It Takes to Name a New Douche."

--Swpski

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Guest Column: SaiKo Edition

Here at C&E, we tend to be a bit lazy.

We'll take days off from posting, and when we do post, our general philosophy is to fling shit at the wall and hope some of it sticks. It is in that spirit that we are now accepting guest columns. Feel free to submit your own post to camelsandelephants[at] gmail[dot]com and we may run it. Here is our first one:

Is My Friend a Douche of the Week Nominee?
This is an age-old question facing the male community: When is it okay to make a move on a girl your buddy is interested in?

Obviously circumstances play a big role in defining the outcome but let me give you an example. A good friend of mine met a very cute girl while she was working and invited her out to hang out with us. He is a very slow mover and was still mustering up the courage to ask her out. Another friend of ours (lets call him pearface) decided to jump into the fray unsolicited. In the end they both ended up driving her away. So was this a 'douche (of the week)' move or was she fair game?

I would like to hear your thoughts. Sound off in the comments...

-SaiKo

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