The UEFA Cup, I'm told, is right around the corner. According to my exhaustive Internet research, that means that a bunch of soccer teams will play somewhere in Europe to determine a winner sometime soon. One of our Argentinian viewers Our only Argentinian viewer tipped us off that longtime-reader-no-time commenter of the blog Raytard bears a striking resemblance to Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard. If we didn't share a cube wall with Raytard, we'd swear that Raytard is Gerrard.
What do you think? Is Raytard ducking out on his 9 to 5 to spend quality time on the pitch? Does he charge ball carriers instead of expenses? Does he shoot goals instead of emails? Does he tackle balls instead of challenging sales force strategy issues? [I apologize for the crappy attempt at humor in the last 3 questions. I spent 10 minutes looking at a glossary of common soccer terms and thats the best I could do]
Edited to add: Does he excel at more than just Excel? Ok, I'm done now.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Raytard Gerrard
Monday, April 28, 2008
Campaign Al: Let's buy a couch
Thanks to everyone for voting last week. You've inspired Al to finally get off his ass and buy furniture for his living room. I'm proud to announce that he went shopping this weekend and purchased a coffee table, entertainment center and lamp. But, a contest is a contest, and Al held off buying a couch for a week so that you can vote. Without further ado, the options as selected by Al himself:
1. Dania Casal Leather Sofa
Al's comment: "It's more comfortable but it will stick when I sit on it without clothes" [You're welcome for the visual, ladies]
2. Dania Revel Sofa
The color on this one would be Mocha. They did not have a picture.
Al's comment: "It's not comfortable but I'm not gonna sit on it so its fine"
3. Roomplace Uptown II Sofa
Al's comment: "It's easily stainable and you know how I get after 2 red wines"
So, there are your options. Vote early and often and, as always, make your opinions known in the comments.
Revisionist history: Couch selection subject to Approv-Al.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Lazy recipe
In keeping with the food theme for today, here’s my attempt to help our most prominent demographic (laz fy, single, overachiever, slender). My minimalist lifestyle forces me to do things which allow me to expend the least energy possible. Eating is one such task--one if was not absolutely necessary for me to continue living and blogging which is something I would certainly pass. Now even I get sick of frozen food, so from time to time I do throw on my “World’s best cook” apron to challenge my culinary faculties. Just to be clear, cooking for me involves use of a knife (or similar cutting implement) OR turning on the cooking range OR use of more than one utensil. To meet my minimalist standards, cooking should also take less than 10 minutes of preparation and less than 10 minutes of cooking time. The following recipe meets all the above criteria and I thank my sister for introducing me to it.
Ingredients:
1 or two chicken breasts (Yes, I said breasts… stop giggling)
One egg
Salt
Pepper
1 slice of bread
Mixed vegetables (I prefer Target’s store brand, but you can get creative with this)
Dash of oil
Preparation:
Clean the chicken since even though you may have resistance to E-coli why take a chance. Hopefully when you selected the breasts you selected the thick ones because the next step involves cutting the breasts vertically into two halves. Beat an egg and some salt and pepper. Crush the bread to crumbs. Dip the chicken in the egg batter, and then cover it with bread crumbs.
Put in a dash of oil if you don't own a non-stick pan. Then throw it onto a heated skillet, 5 minutes on one side then 5 minutes on the other. Throw the veggies on the side of the skillet. Check that the meat is cooked (again if you have resistance to E-coli this could be optional). In 10 minutes you will be ready for a healthy and nutritious meal.
Friday "Things I Like" Mashup: Politics and Bone-in Chop Edition
Due to vacations and a lack of inspiration, I had to take a short break from one of my favorite recurring features. But after a 3 week hiatus, the Friday mashup is finally back. I know some of you are probably saying, how hard is it to slap Barack Obama's name to something you like and make a stupid picture? The answer is not very hard, but I'm lazy and its not like I'm getting tips. So, without further ado:
Ba-rack O' lam-bama!
I'm sorry--that looks kinda gross. I've probably ruined lamb for you. Maybe I should retire this column.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Campaign Al Update: The votes are in!
The votes are tallied and your voices have been heard loud and clear. Al will be furnishing his living room...with your help. In the next couple of days, we'll post options for couches and entertainment centers for everyone in the world to vote on. Al has promised to finally purchase the winning pieces as the first step toward furnishing his condo. Thanks and stay tuned!!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Admin Appreciation
Today is Admin Appreciation day, and we would just like to thank our fantastic admins for their continued support. Thanks to Eileen, Emily, Heather and Gillian for always getting us to our destinations without issue and for dealing with Mazerino's stupid requests to install a roof on his cube.
[Placeholder for picture --Al]--Mazerino, Al Waris and Fadilicious
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Guest Column: Plain Jane's Business School Myths Edition
Editor's note: We invite our readers to write their own columns about whatever they please, because, frankly, we're too lazy to write our own stuff (and Fadilicious is MIA). This week's entry comes from Plain Jane. She is a former co-worker of the camels and elephant who abandoned them for seemingly greener pastures at business school. Here is her plight:
Hello dear C&E readers,
As a dedicated reader of C&E, I'm honored to have the opportunity to contribute a guest column for your enjoyment. I am currently attending a fine institution known as the [redacted fancy schmancy school] and wanted to share a few words about the fact that business school just isn't all it's cracked up to be. Hope you enjoy the column as I dispel 4 common business school myths.
Myth #1: The hardest part of business school is getting in.
This is the biggest myth of all of them! Business school is hard!! And I'm not just saying that because I'm of below average intelligence (according to the GMAT, I'm actually supposed to be smarter, on average, than most of my classmates). It was with complete shock and despair that I realized that I actually had to work really hard to understand what's going on. I really wanted to raise my hand on my first day in Finance to ask if I was still at [elite institution which shall not be named] as my head was spinning to try to understand the concept of capital budgeting. And things haven't gotten easier now that I'm in my third quarter. I cry (literally) every Thursday afternoon and early evening as I desperately try to make sense of the Operations cases that are due on Friday mornings. So, remember this, dear bloggers, business school is actually academically quite rigorous! Who knew!?!?
Myth #2: Business will help you find the career of your dreams.
If you think that just having an MBA from a top school will have companies fighting to hire you, YOU ARE WRONG! Most of us left our jobs in to figure out what it is that we REALLY want to do. But there no time for soul searching because you are bombarded with company presentations during week 3 of class! So you'd better know what you want to do by then because schmoozing and kissing ass time is precious and essential to getting those coveted closed list spots on interview schedules. I didn't quite get that and was only invited to interview with 1 firm out of the 22 that I applied to...ouch!!! Luckily, I was able to sign up for the open schedule and did land the "internship of my dreams" (I think), marketing [guns at Toys 'R Us, just kidding--redacted]. Others weren't so luckily, I have fellow friends moving to fabulous places such as St Louis, Minneapolis, Columbus, Cincinnati, and my favorite, Battlecreek, MI for their summer internships.
Myth #3: Business school will help you develop a network of incredibly motivated and intelligent people.
Yes, there are some very smart people in business school. But there a surprisingly large amount of annoying dumb people too! I roll my eyes in class at the comments of my classmate's on a regular basis. I seriously doubt the intelligence of my group members weekly. One group member suggested that to market TiVo's effectively to families that like to watch TV together, they should come preloaded with all past Super Bowl games. What?!?!?! A lot of them just really enjoy the sound of their voice and forget that class is not a private tutoring session with the professor [the irony is not lost on your C&E editor]. When discussing a regression analysis that just happened to be about refrigerators, a student actually raised her hand and started the question with "So, let's say I have a refrigerator..."
Myth #4: Business school will be the best 2 years of your life.
I used to strongly believe this myth and was pumped to begin the "best two years of my life" last August. Now, I firmly believe that it's the best two years for the losers who haven't done anything interesting during the 28 years (on average) before they came to business school. Business school is an amazing opportunity for people to re-live their undergraduate experience. The quiet fat girl has another opportunity to drunkenly hook up with as many guys as she possibly can, seeking love and affection in the wrong places. The dorky skinny guy can finally feel like a frat guy while playing flip cup at the bar with his dorky skinny friends. For those of us who actually had a fun four (or more) years at a decent (ie big ten) university, business school can't even come close!
Conclusion
I may have come out sounding a bit harsh and bitter in this column. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a great time! I roll into school at 10:30 (not unlike some people still working at [my previous awesome company where the camels and elephants reside]), and Tuesday has become my favorite going out night. I have met some awesome people and have probably made a lifelong friend or two. I am learning a lot and have finally conquered my nemesis - finance! I wept tears of joy as the light bulb finally went on, and I accurately calculated a firm's free cash flows. But I wanted to be honest with you, dear readers, business school just isn't all it's cracked up to be. I can sum it up pretty accurately with the following words of wisdom used by my high school principal to describe his experience with our class at graduation: it's been real; it's been fun; but it hasn't been real fun.
Thanks for reading!
--Plain Jane
Monday, April 21, 2008
Controversial Statement Tuesday: Tipping Edition
Tipping is a waste of money!!
(Special mention to anyone who can guess what this picture is actually about)
My views maybe clouded by the s**ty service I received over the weekend ( My co-diner did something about it--see David V). But then again it may just be the Indian in me. Now I’m not cheap (maybe just a little… but who isn’t) but I just feel that the 15% mandatory tip is a joke. So here are the arguments for tipping and my counter arguments
Argument 1 - A tip is mandatory to ensure good service
Counter Argument - If it’s a tip then why is it mandatory? If someone doesn’t serve me as I feel they should, they don’t deserve a tip. Why should I feel guilty? And why should I have to carry cash?
Argument 2 - Poor things, they don’t make much in base pay and tips are the only way they make money
1 Counter Argument – And I should care because? Well boo hoo is all I can say. Get a college degree. I have no intention to fund your bohemian lifestyle or your way through college.
2 Counter Argument – If you feel they should get paid more lobby your congressman/bar owner to increase their pay. I don’t want to decide.
Argument 3 - They provide a service so the tip is to appreciate their service
Counter Argument – I don’t tip my doctor or my lawyer or my real estate agent and furthermore my clients never tip me and I don’t expect them to. Why then should I tip?
Argument 4 - Its not their fault if the cook delays/screws up the order
Counter Argument – Don’t use me to deduce and/or devise your performance evaluation system. You are the best judge of you employees’ performance. So reward them accordingly. Don’t put the customer through the moral dilemma of figuring out what’s a good tip. Moreover calculating the tip is a pain in the posterior. If you think they deserve it make it part of the price. Problem over.
*The opinions expressed by Al-waris do not reflect those of C&E, its editor and its advertisers. In some cases it may not accurately represent what Al himself feels.
Campaign Al-ert: Let's Furnish Al's Apartment
4/21 UPDATE: Living room is killing in our poll, but fans have until midnight on Wednesday to let their voices be heard. If you have any ideas as to what furniture we should look at (i.e. couch, rug, table, etc) for either room, leave a comment and we'll post options when polling closes.
Loyal readers, one of my fellow bloggers needs your help. Al has a beautiful condo with a stunning view of Lake Michigan, but there are two things missing--a wife and furniture. I can't help him with number 1, but I am starting a campaign to rectify number 2.
Chain of events when moving into a new place:
Normal
1. Rent/Buy place
2. Buy furniture
3. Move in
Al Waris
1. Buy place
2. Move in
3. ???
I can't help but think that he's skipped a vital step in the living space chain of events. Al has a mattress, an old TV, and 2 folding chairs (one of his folding chairs acts as a coffee table in the bedroom, so he only has one effective chair). We've been giving him grief for the past two years to furnish his place, but it's fallen on deaf ears. So, I'm hoping this post will serve to shame him into transforming his empty apartment into a hoppin' pad or at least persuade him to buy a couch. I'm tired of doing 10 minute rotations on the folding chair every time I visit. So, I put it to you, Al fans--what room should he furnish first (vote in the poll on the main page)?
Bedroom*
Living room*
Once we have a decision, we'll post options for beds, couches, TV's, etc.--you know, the normal things people own.
Also, if anyone has recommendations for hip furniture retailers, please post those in the comments. Please do not say Ikea, which literally translates to "most miserable place on Earth" in Swedish, as I have vowed to never again step foot in one.
*I found these pictures in a web album Al posted in May 2005 entitled "Condo before furniture."
Friday, April 18, 2008
Mixed signals from Facebook
If you're like me, you're a member of the vast Internet community called Facebook. Like most websites, Facebook tries to make money by targeting advertisements to their audience, which seems like a superbly easy thing to do when you know everything about a person from his/her profile. For example, I list my favorite music as the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme song, and my favorite TV Show as Gossip Girl* (a must see: the chemistry between young actors Penn Badgley and Blake Lively is palpable). So, I could theoretically get ads for the Beverly Hills 90210 DVD Box Set (teen soap+early to mid 90's nostalgia). As such, I've been getting mixed signals from my Facebook ads:
1. Stop Browsing Profiles
Ok, maybe this is fair. I do spend a lot of time photolurking and even list it as one of my interests.
2. Meet some Pumas, Cougars and Jaguars
Maybe they've seen my video
3. Dating for losers
Wait, I thought you wanted me to get off the internet?
4. Meet local dudes
Here's where things start to get strange. According to Facebook, I'm an internet savvy female-deprived loser. So, I should probably just go gay.
5. Re-grow your hair
Oh yea, Facebook, now I'm balding? Go ask my hairdresser Marcella and she'll tell you I have the thickest coif she's ever seen.
6. [Ad for Starfruit, a new hipster frozen yogurt place in Bucktown]--I forgot to take a screenshot, and I haven't seen it since :(
I don't care if they are opening a Pinkberry in Chicago or if TCBY is making a comeback. Fro-yo is so 1996.
So, to recap, according to Facebook, I am so desperate from going bald that I'll go for men or women of pretty much any age. And if I ever do end up meeting one or the other, we'll probably go out for frozen yogurt. They got me.
Bonus:
Does handsome count as a disability?
*CW, please sponsor us.
We dodged a bullet
All camels and elephants are present and accounted for after last night's shocking earthquake rocked through Illinois. No injured trunks or humps have been reported as of press time. Normal blogging operations will resume shortly.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Douche of the Week Guest Column: Swpski's Roommate Edition
Editor's note: Swpski is a friend of the blog and occasional commenter who moved from Chicago to the great state of California last year. Here is his story:
I was going to write a witty response to Mazerino's post on dogs. I side with the man after being hit in the secret no-no spot by the same dog in question. I say if you are going to have something that you have to constantly take care of and clean up poop after, make it a kid. That way in forty years when I am allowed to retire, at least someone will be funding my Social Security benefits... I instead have decided to write about a human douchebag of the week--one of my roommates who Mazerino and Dr. BJ know all to well as the human box (he's as wide as he is tall).
Last night I came back from the gym to find his fat ass on the couch watching "Seinfeld" and burning incense. If I want to smell like a hippie I will go hang out in Golden Gate Park (happens to be his favorite place to go to on a Sunday).
Sunday morning I drove home two hours from camping, and his lazy ass asks me for a ride to work. He has to be there by noon, and he is going to be late if I don't give him a ride. If you can't make it to a job by noon on a Sunday you are a dumbass. He also told me I should watch "Walk Hard, the Dewey Cox story" because it was hilarious. I told him I couldn't take him to work because I was going mountain biking. I sat at home and watched the Dewey Cox movie. It was horrible.
Based on the aforementioned misdeeds and a laundry list of other impolite infractions, the human box is our reigning "Douche of the Week or Time It Takes to Name a New Douche."
--Swpski
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Controversial Statement Tuesday: Canine Edition
Dogs suck*.
Reason #2: They stink up my bus stop. When the temperature rises above freezing and dog owners actually make the effort to pick up after their canine douches of the week (I'm looking at you, Doc), the trash can next to my bus stop fills up with these scented bags of filth. Every 3-4 days when the cup overfloweth, the wait for the next set of bus-bunched 151's is unbearable.
Reason #3. They touch me inappropriately. Whenever I visit a certain friend of mine who shall go unnamed, his overzealous dog goes straight for my moneymaker.
*The opinions expressed by Mazerino do not reflect those of C&E, its editor and its advertisers
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Breaking news
After prolonged negotiations which went late into the night especially since one of the parties kept taking sleep breaks (negotiation technique??) we have finally reached an agreement with Everreddy's daughter. We have decided to target different segments of the market. Now that we are no longer competitors it leaves us free to to post her pictures on our blog. So here goes...
PS The picture that is used with express permission are not to be edited, altered, retransmitted, republished, stored in electronic form or used for any commercial purposes unless that use is expressed specifically in the permission you receive.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
New blogger in town
While we were spending our time blogging, one our readers has been up to something more substantial.
As some of you know, Everreddy's wife has been pregnant for some time now (9 month to be precise :-)). This morning the baby arrived. Knowing Everreddy we are sure he's already ready for the shit (also known as baby poo) life is about to throw his way.
While that's the good news the bad news is that we may already have some competition in the blogorena.
Congratulations and heres to many more.
PS: Dowry collection begins today :-)
Friday, April 11, 2008
What's with the beard?
Thats the question that has replaced "Why no furniture, dude"? as the question I'm asked most often. (Answer:I'm a minimalist. "Things" don't interest me.)
Yes, its been 57 days and 14 hours since metal last touched my visage.
As I prepare to get the keratin off my face I deem it prudent to compile my answers to that very question.
1) I was so tired of looking good all the time
2) Danger needs to borrow some hair for his forthcoming transplant
3) Its my new look for the NY fashion week (not valid no more)
4) I got a free supply of product from Beard Care that I simply had to use
5) I love the awkward looks on the bus
6) Whats good for Mazerino is good for me
7) I want the extra attention at the airport
8) According to the law of conservation of hair the total amount of hair in any body should remain constant. Since what's lost cannot be recreated, a new source is needed (heavy huh?)
As I prepare for my new look I welcome suggestions.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Douche of the Week: Ford Taurus b*tch who almost killed me
I realize that it's been a while since we last named a douche of the week, but the people I generally interact with have a low douchiness factor. Unfortunately, today that was not the case and we have a new Douche of the Time It Takes to Name a New Douche (DotTITtNaND)--the lady in the Ford Taurus who ran a red light an nearly ended my blogging career.
As I normally do every evening, I chose the eco-friendly, shared-ride CTA bus as my mode of transport. I got off the bus at my normal stop and, after looking both ways, crossed the street at the crosswalk--I had the "walk" signal. But, I saw a tan car headed toward the light without slowing down. So, I quickly jumped back as this lady in the Ford Taurus blew the light missing me by about a foot (~0.3 meters for our international viewers). I shouted some things I'm not totally proud of and made a hand gesture that I also stand by.
I was incensed, and I still am as I write this. That a-hole nearly put me in the hospital because she was in a hurry or too stupid to follow traffic signals. There were 5 cars around that were all stopped and I was in clear sight. Lady, you're a douche.
Artist's rendition (I'm the camel, obviously. The a-hole is in the tan car):
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
From India with love
Longtime reader of the blog, Rachu, spent the past 4 months in India where she comprised 25% of our international readership. She finally returned from her trek last week, and brought back the perfect gift for C&E:
Thanks, Rach!!
Any suggestions as to what we should name them?
Camels and Elephants Marketing Machine
While 'Licious, Al and I like to think of ourselves as avante-garde blog artists, we actually have real friends with real talent. So, we're going to use this space to give them the official Camels and Elephants camel-hump-elephant-trunk-sized publicity bump:
Mike Maimone
I attended high school (Go Pioneers!) with Mike, where he once broke my arm. But all is forgiven, and he now has a solo show this weekend at Davenport’s Piano Bar in Bucktown. He'll be banging on the keys and singing his own tunes and some covers:
Saturday 4/12 @ 10:15PM
Davenport's Piano Bar
1383 N. Milwaukee Ave.
www.mikemaimone.com
Sweetish
Friend of the blog, Holly and her band, Sweetish, have been chosen as finalists for Metromix's "Rock n' Vote" contest. If they win, they get to play a free show at the Double Door on April 30th. So, let's all go to the website and vote:
Click me and vote many times
You can check out her band at their Myspace. It says there, that they have a show on 4/18 at the Bird's Nest. Holly feel free to comment if that is still the case.
**UPDATE: Sweetish will be playing at Bird's Nest on 4/18
Mazerino chillin' in CHI, Fadilicious MIA in MIA
I'm back! Did you miss me like the desert misses rain? Costa Rica was pura vida as they say. Great times were had by all. Unfortunately, courtesy of the US government, 'Licious did not make his flight back and is likely partying like a Lebanese rock star in South Beach. Keep checking back to find out happens next...
**UPDATE: 'Licious is back in Chicago. He's walking strangely, but he's back.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Tidbits from school (10 weeks to go)
People say the darnedest things, more so if they want to impress the class...
"Nine women can't have a baby in one month"
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Run Forrest Run
With the camels in Costa Rica and not much happening this week I am going to tap into something which happened last Sunday. I ran the Shamrock Shuffle which for those of you who are not from here is a green-themed obstacle race through downtown Chicago. The obstacles of course are the people whom you have to joust with on the way to the finish (What's with snails starting the race ahead of the faster runners). The race is the biggest collection of Caucasians outside of the Nascar. (What's with people's fascination with running in freezing weather)
So with nominal training I attempted to run 5 miles in horrible freezing weather. Of course I sleep walked through the race. Piece of cake... NOT.
Positives from the race, almost no 9 year old girls passed me. Negatives from the race, Big Chicken beat me.
So for those of you who think running the race with no training is impossible, the fact is if I did it so can you. However, would I advise it... no!! At my fitness level... hell no!!! I'm still tired with all that running.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Vacatio-rino number 1
As you know, I recently went on vacation. It was a blast. I flew to San Francisco with Dr. BJ to meet up with swpski. Our first stop was a nude beach somewhere off the highway on the coast. I dubbed it floppy junk beach. If you click the picture on the right and zoom in, you might see someone pitching a tent with no camping in sight
Next, we headed up to Tahoe to get in some turns. This was my first time skiing, but I fared pretty well. I worked my way from the bunny hill to blue slopes in just 3 days. Take that, Guy the Douche ski instructor who told me I wasn't ready for the lifts.
After Tahoe, we flew back to Chicago for a wedding, where I proceeded to dance my face off. This was pretty much the best wedding I've ever been to. After a trip to the open bar, I decided to put on a dancing clinic for my table. Little did I know there was a cougar jaguar (thanks, trixyone) waiting to tango with this camel. Luckily it was all caught on tape by swpski:
I may have more pics and videos to post from the trip later. In the meantime, Fadilicious and I are headed to Costa Rica for a few days. So, I'll be abandoning you again. Al Waris, don't fail us this time.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
I don't care what the world says, you're all April wise (wo)men to me
It appears from the comment sections that our ruse was quickly sniffed out. Much to the disdain of our pearfaced critics, we aren't going anywhere anytime soon. That also means Fadilicious is still very much available. Ladies, let's make this the last time we can say that on the blog. Happy April Fool's day, everyone.
Ding dong the blog is dead
In light of our recent loves, losses and vacations, musing on inane topics has fallen by the wayside in our respective lives. Therefore, it is our intention to bow out of this crazy game we call blog gracefully. I know what you're thinking--"Camels and Elephants is the reason I wake up in the morning." But, all good things must come to an end. So, we're going out on top.
Thanks for all the love and support. It was great while it lasted.
--Al, 'Licious and Maz
Camel's got a cow*
Heartbreak Alert: Female readers (and some male readers...read Danger) may want to stop reading lest their hearts break before they get through the post.
One of our bloggers has found what he has been looking for (or rather his folks from "Arabia" found her for him). Fadilicious' wedding has been fixed. The girl has been studying in Paris for the last 4 years and is said to be from a good family. Fadilicious had seen her when he went home in December and has been burning up the wires chatting and calling her. The date has not been decided but she is going to be visiting Chicago some time next week.
I would like to request everyone who will have the pleasure of meeting this girl to praise Fadilicious whether they think he merits it or not.
Congrats Fadilicious!!!
*Thanks to Berg for educating us on the fact that the female of a camel is called a cow
