Next week, I'm going to India with Al, Berg and Fadge (formerly Fadilicious) to explore the country and attend a couple weddings. While I'm looking forward to the trip and the certainty of prolonged intestinal ailments, I can't help but feel a bit melancholy about the whole thing. I'm turning my back on America when she needs me most. I'm leaving on Thanksgiving day, the highest of holidays in the United States, and exchanging turkey, stuffing, and cranberries for murg, aloo, and chutney.
As if leaving on her special day weren't egregious enough, I'll be spending loads of cash in India at a time when America needs it most. If the oxygen mask deploys on an airplane, you're supposed to take care of yourself, then move onto your child. By spending my money in India, I'm helping America's baby brother, while America suffocates. You can see my quandary.
So, what can I do to make it up to America? Should I make another photo-blog of India extolling America's superiority? Refuse to buy souvenirs until I get back to Chicago (sorry day, you're not getting that Tendulkar jersey you always wanted)? Let's make this blog interactive again. Leave me comments letting me know how to right my wrong.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Sorry, America
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Roommate livin'
Hello again. How about that election? I can't promise more frequent posting. It's a busy time in the life of Mazerino, but today I'd like to talk about having a roommate for the first time in 5 years.
I moved into a new apartment with my roommate, Dr. BJ, in September. It's the first time I've had a roommate since college, but so far, its been great. The best part about moving in with someone else who lived alone is combining the abundance of stuff each of you has collected. I have a big TV, BJ has good speakers, and, voila, now we have an entertainment system. We have video game systems out the ass, plenty of controllers and more glassware than Martha Stewart. The fridge, at a minimum, is stocked with beer and there are always cereal and chips in the pantry. We also have enough hot dogs and chicken sausages to last us through the recession. And, a roommate is around to encourage you past your doubtful moments when considering an impulse buy. 5-9 business days later with Free Super Saver Shipping, we have a dartboard and "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel on vinyl.
There are, however, some drawbacks. "Gossip Girl" no longer makes the DVR cut in the hyper competitive Monday 8EST/7CST, yielding to the more post-pubescent "How I Met Your Mother" and "Chuck." Saturdays and Sundays are unbearable for Dr. "What else is on tv besides football" BJ. The hair everywhere is no longer just mine. In my particular situation, we're rarely at home at the same time lately, thanks to BJ's weird call schedule at med school. So, I've been reduced to playing darts by and against myself. When you play darts with yourself, you always win, but you're also a loser. I guess what I'm trying to say is, does anyone want to come over and play darts? We've got tons of other cool shit too.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Friday "Thinks I Like" Mashup: Politics and Things I Wouldn't Put in My Mouth Edition*
Hello, I'm back for the long-awaited return of the Friday Mashup. With only 18 days to go before the election, it's time to fire this column up again. So, without further ado:
Lanarino was so kind to send me this picture from what I can only assume is her apartment (I've not visited her once in Columbus in 3 years). It contains a vile homegrown veggie and the man who will be president. Click through to see the picture.
Barackle Sprouts
*Note: While I admire his politics and character, I would not put Barack Obama in my mouth either.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Keeping abreast of the latest news
I know most of the news is about the economy and the elections and all the other boring stuff. In the midst of this a very important development is taking place, one that may have repercussions for generations to come.
Breast milk is having a resurgence.
The Chinese tainted milk formula is giving rise to a growing industry of wet nurses. Chinese parents are frantically searching for these nurses to feed their little angels.
Closer home PETA is urging Ben & Jerry's to use human milk. (I have two words for PETA. Eww and Eww.)
Isn’t it the best time to be a lactating woman?
*Hope you didn't miss the pun in the title. Thanks Mazerino
Friday, September 12, 2008
Danger Wedding
Not that anyone reads this anymore, and who can blame you. We've been asleep at the wheel:
But, last weekend, we were all in Milwaukee to witness the special union of Danger and his lovely bride:
It was a fun event where we sang, danced, ate Indian food, gave it about 5 minutes as per Al's instructions and danced some more. And of course, we did it all in style. My words can't possibly top the 2nd video, so I'll shut up now:
Mazerino
Al Waris
Fadilicious
Night's end
Thursday, August 28, 2008
My new pride and joy
Check out my new wheels. I found this bad boy unlocked on the street and decided to claim it as my own. If the previous owner needs to find me, I'll be at the scooter party at Delilah's this weekend.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Day 24 of being tactilely challenged
Hello again. It's been almost 2 weeks since surgery, and things seem to be progressing. I'm still stuck in my plaster and gauze post-surgery splint, and, while it's holding up better than its predecessor, it still bugs the hell out of me. It's tight, itchy, and becoming increasingly moist. The 2 fingers I have free are mostly useless because the cast is so bulky. I still shower with a bag over the arm, and work still sucks one-handed, but all is not lost. I've come up with a compelling story about how I was injured while defending 2 at-risk youths from an escaped polar bear at the zoo that gets better every time I tell it. Dr. BJ can attest, and I can't do it justice in this space. But it's a hit among sympathetic women and old people.
Here's a pic of me with my itchin' stick:
And here's one with my shower cap (sponsored by Patagonia who sent this bag in which my Men's Cordwarmer Jacket was placed):
Congrats to Al, Abhinav and India on their gold, and 8x those congrats to Michael Phelps.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Gold.... 112 years later
Indians love gold. We are the world’s largest buyers of gold. However, the Olympic gold has always eluded us especially since it can’t be bought. For a country of a billion plus people, it has been kind of shameful. As of 48 hours ago Michael Phelps had won 8 more individual golds than India ever had. We won the occasional bronze, the rare silver. For the last quarter of a century we had not even won any team golds.
All that changed on Sunday when Abhinav Bindra finally won one for shooting. One gold - still pathetic for a country of a billion plus people but a start nevertheless.
As a counter point, you may think that a poor country like India does not spend enough on sport to make a dent on the world stage. But the amount of money and time and tears spent on cricket dwarfs what most other countries spend on all their sports combined. So that excuse does not hold any water.
Hopefully this win changes the sports structure in India.
Congrats Abhinav!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Al Waris has failed us all
I'm calling him out for not writing anything in weeks. You suck, Al. I can barely type but at least I post every once in a while. What's your excuse?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Surgerino update
Hello. Just wanted to let everyone know that the surgery went well. I was zonked out and don't remember much but the doctors tell me I have all 10 digits and a screw in right ringy to keep him in line. The painkillers have just worn off and my finger hurts like hell. But I've been upgraded from my old splint that smelled like 10 homeless men stuck in a boiler room after this weekend at Lollapalooza:
To this one:
I can still happily give the thumbs up which is all my right hand is useful for anyway. Thanks for all the texts, email, phone calls and comments. It's all a bit embarrassing for a single broken finger, but I appreciate them all the same.
Finally, I'd like to use this space to formally announce that I will be retiring from co-ed recreational volleyball effective immediately. My heart's just not in it anymore.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Note from the Editor
The well wishes are pouring in, including this submission from our esteemed editor, Tall Paul:
There must have been a city-wide blackout in [location redacted] at some point yesterday, because he took 5 minutes out of his day to actually do work for the blog. Thanks, big guy. Feel free to leave your own messages of support in the comments.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Day 6 of being handicapped (or is it fingercapped?)
Work sucks. My fingers are my moneymakers, and I can only use 5 or 6 of them. But I'm getting plenty of sympathy which suits me just fine. I've politely asked my male co-workers not to use the 3rd stall as it is reserved for us handicapped folks. Fadilicious and HP Laserjet have graciously volunteered to patrol the situation to make sure everyone is compliant with my reasonable request. My splint is starting to smell, but not to the extent that anyone has said anything. I can only hope it holds until next Tuesday, but with Lollapalooza this weekend and 90 degree temperatures in the forecast, it might be a rough couple days. I found a chopstick for scratchin', and I really should get back to that. Thanks for all the well wishes and keep em coming.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
More Hand
Went to the doctor today. He walked in the room and exclaimed, "you need surgery." So, I get cut on Tuesday.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Quote Du Jour
"When a woman has well-defined arms, you know the rest of the package is great." -Doc Beej
Friday, July 25, 2008
Right Handerino Update :-(
Bad news. Went to ER. Finger broken right near the joint. Might need surgery because of the wonky angle at which it bends. Down to typing with one hand. Sigh.
Friday "Things I Don't Care For" Mashup: Politics and Result of Botched Volleyball Play Edition
By now, everyone should know that I am supporting Obama for president. So today, I would like to change things up a bit in the mashup and make it about two things I don't care for very much, thank you. One is the movable object that is likely to be destroyed by the unstoppable force known as Obama in November. And the other relates to my volleyball mishap from yesterday.
John McPain (in my hand)
Enjoy your weekend. Go see Dark Knight if you haven't already. It's well worth it.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I'm ill-equipped
Today we had our last regular season volleyball game. We won 2-1 thanks to Al's craftiness, sister of Berg's persistence and Pearface's brute strength and in spite of my gaffes, blunders and general lack of effort. On my third mishit of the game the ball struck my right ring finger at an obtuse angle, sending little ringy reeling toward pinky for consolation. For the rest of the game, I became increasingly more useless as ringy blew up like the 4th of July while simultaneously wilting like a thirsty rose.
Luckily for me, my family and friends are chock full of medical professionals to call upon in trying times like these. So I biked home with my left hand, raided the fridge for ice cubes only to find an empty ice tray, and called my dad:
Me: I hurt my finger
Dad: I'm in an Indian restaurant I can't hear you
Me: I hurt my finger (loudly and with emphasis)
Dad: I'm in an Indian restaurant I can't hear you
(WELL I CAN HEAR YOU)
Great. Dead end. Next, a call to the sister. Shit, voicemail. She's on call. Then, a call to future Dr. BJ.
Doc Beej: Put ice on it.
Thanks, tried that. No ice. And no first aid kit to tape/splint it. So, here I sit, typing with one hand with a frozen piece of Tandoori chicken resting on my wounded digit. Pathetic. Any suggestions from you loyal readers? It took me 30 mins to write this and the chickens defrosting. Oh well, at least I have dinner.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
My POS is someone else's POG*
The weather was great this weekend so I took my bike and biked downtown to a friend’s place to watch a movie. I watched the movie, and then after dinner mentally prepared myself for the 2-3 mile ride home. I gingerly walked, and what do I see, but thin air where my bike was supposed to be. The loss was bittersweet and a bit more background is needed to explain that emotion.
My bike is/was (so hard to say that) one of my few possessions--what with my minimalist way of life. The bike served me well, on all my rides to the beach, my rides to the grocery store and to wherever else I wanted to go. It was there when I needed it, never gave me any problems and probably prevented me from gaining a few ounces on the way. It would never abandon me even if I bought a couch it didn't agree with. That was the bitter part.
I bought my bike 4 years ago at that beacon of capitalism- Walmart. I paid $80, yup that’s it. I “protected” it with a $10 lock--more of a red herring than any real protection. Over the past year I have wanted to buy a new bike but the thought of giving this one away was hard, cause let’s face it who would want to buy it. So as has been my life’s strategy, I let fate decide what I should do. To help fate on its way, I rode the bike hard over bumps and in puddles hoping for it to break down. But it did not (For anyone doubting the quality of Walmart’s products look no further).
Tonight, my prayers were answered. A thief stole my bike--he saw through the red herring. He will probably rot in hell, but maybe he was an angel sent to relieve me of my burden. I have to believe it was the latter. Why else would anyone want my beloved POS especially when there was a brand new bike parked 15 feet away from mine.
Anyway a new decision awaits me, should I trade up and get a great (read expensive) bike knowing fully well that this is the third time my bike’s been stolen or should I go back to Walmart (maybe Target… because their business practices are allegedly better)?
Buh bye bike. I don’t even know what your name was.
*POS-Piece of S*** POG-Piece of Gold
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Mazerino the Hero (continued)
I can afford to take cabs everywhere (see proof to the right), but I am a man of the people. So I was riding the northbound 151 on Saturday. To my surprise and delight, I heard "Sylar (chuckle)." Back in C&E's infancy when we were posting on a regular basis and Fadilicious was still sort of a contributor, I wrote this post about how people kept telling me I looked like Sylar from Heroes. One person in particular was a jovial CTA bus driver. When I looked up at my admirer (no homo), I immediately recognized my biggest fan behind the wheel. What are the odds? Here's how the conversation went:
Driver: "You look like Sylar. Anybody ever tell you that?"
Me: "Yea, I know, I remember you"
Driver: laughs and laughs and laughs..."Oh I told you that before? I hear they're coming back"
Because I watch massive amounts of television, I know that Heroes is coming back this fall and it will prominently feature Sylar as the theme this season is "Villains" (Heroes premieres Monday, September 22 at 9/8 central...give me money, NBC).
Me: "Yes, and the theme is Villains."
Driver: "Oh, yea? I'll have to check that out."
At this point, I have nothing more to say, and the bus is crowded. Also, I'm pinned up front by families of idiot tourists who don't know how to move to the back of the bus.
Me: "Crowded bus tonight, eh?"
Driver: "Yep."
Damnit, that didn't work. And just like that exchange, I have no logical conclusion to this post. So, I'll just end things here.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Link of the day
http://rim.jobs (Surprisingly SFW)
Berg gets the assist in finding this one. Not sure how he stumbled upon it. Don't want to know. Enjoy.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
It's just like a mini mall
Sorry for the lack of posts, as usual. It's summer, we're busy at work, we're apartment hunting and a slew of other crappy excuses. To fill the 2 minute void we've left in your day, I'll post this oldie but goodie video that Tall Paul dug up:
While writing this, I just learned from the local news that CTA ridership is up 6% thanks to high gas prices. That's fantastic news for my commute. Also, staycations (and they used that horrible buzzword) are all the rage right now, as evidence by record attendance at the Sears tower skydeck.
Have a good Friday.
Monday, July 7, 2008
VirAl Waris
Wow, the greatest photo you'll ever see is sure making its rounds these days. It's already shown up here and here. In my bid to make Al the next Internet meme, I neglected to take into account his fragile emotional status.
Email from Al:
"2.5 years of sweat and toil and this is what people will remember me by."
That breaks my heart. So, to make amends, I've cracked open the official Camels and Elephants petty cash lock box and taken out an ad at my local gas station. Sorry, Al. I won't post embarrassing pictures of you again:
Except maybe this one:
Edited to add: Without Al's hard work, we wouldn't be the #5 result for a Google search of "super absorbent rags infomercial." Here's to Al.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
As if you still needed reason to support Obama
As you know, we've thrown our significant political muscle behind Obama. Now, John McCain has chosen to fight back against team Camels and Elephants. According to this video, John McCain "hate[s] the bloggers." I'll go ahead and embed it here:
I'll just assume he's talking specifically about Al, Fadilicious and me. I don't appreciate these personal attacks, Mr. McCain. Keep it above the belt, sir. And, I'm pretty sure I know of at least one other blogger who wouldn't appreciate your words either.
--Obamazerin08
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Lollapa-issed Off Even More
I'd like to extend a giant FU to Coldplay. Thanks to their selection of Santogold as their summer tour opening act, she will no longer be performing at Lollapalooza. This news does not make me happy.
And, a second FU for making a single so damn catchy that I can't get the iPod commercial out of my head. I used to rule the world (cue fancy visuals)...crap.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Hanging loose
I was traveling by the brown line a couple of weeks ago and I overheard people saying the train was crowded. I immediately flashed back to my travel adventures in Mumbai. And I felt like screaming, “Stop complaining you pampered babies!”
It also brought back memories of the multiple times my life has flashed before my eyes on the trains in Mumbai. I traveled by local trains for about 6 years growing up in Mumbai and every day was an adventure. If you wanted a crowded train, the first class compartment in the 8:30 AM express train from Andheri to Churchgate would be the one for you. If you wanted hell or were short on cash, you would venture into the second class (click through for the rest).
I was one of those hangers-on, and on most days I would find a good spot to latch onto. Now why would I risk life and limb and my future gene pool to hang from a train? Well, the temperature inside is close to 120 degrees and the smells of sweat, cologne, oil, food, fish, etc. could be what hell smells and feels like. Bodies squishing against you and people's hands (inadvertently I hope) in your business were par for the course.
So I would hang. On the bad days I would literally be holding on by the tips of my fingers. On one such occasion I was sure I would fall. I prayed as hard as I have ever done in my life, and I’m sure I would wake Him up if he was sleeping. I swore to myself that I would never stand outside the train again. I promised Him my first born kid, then my first paycheck, my second paycheck, anything. By the time the next stop arrived I was up to my 16th paycheck. My weak forearms hurt like hell. But thankfully for me and fortunately for the readers I made it alive.
Come evening, I weighed my choices. I had hell if lost my life given all the promises I had made or hell if I entered the train. I promptly forgot my promises and was hanging outside on my way back at 5:30 PM from Churchgate to Borivali.
Monday, June 30, 2008
The greatest picture you'll see all day
As you know, Al recently graduated business school. Sadly, his family could not make it from elephant-land to the ceremony, but he promised to send them pictures. So, he donned his cap and gown and received his diploma at convocation. Then, he walked off stage, eager to capture this moment in time for all the world to see. He just forgot one thing...
Opening his eyes. To get your copy of this Leibovitz-esque portrait, click here. I'd suggest the $200 Supreme package.
Live in the Camel Cage
Hey, I'm back from vacation. I've missed you. I see that Al has done his best to make you think we'd forgotten about you, but we haven't. We'll resume normal posting ASAP. While I'm here, I'd like to present you with a fantastic opportunity to take your Camels and Elephants mania to an even higher level by living in my apartment for a month. Dr. BJ and I have decided to become roommates, and my lease doesn't end until September 30th. So, if you need a place to crash for a month or know someone who does, let me know. Here's the post:
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/sub/738070663.html
Monday, June 23, 2008
Near Miss
Sad news today as George Carlin died. He was one of my favorite comedians, and I enjoyed his takes on religion and language, especially this one:
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Of Toads and Camels
My humblest apologies to the Toadies. I have heard Possum Kingdom a million times, so I guess I do know who you are. Here's the video:
Anyway, I stand by my opinion that Wilco should have the pre-headliner spot. Back to vacation.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The Camel-less Week Ahead
Hey all. I'll be gone starting tomorrow in NYC and DC to discuss the future of C&E with our esteemed editor Tall Paul. I probably won't get a chance to write anything until I get back. But that doesn't mean Camels and Elephants shouldn't be updated in the meantime. So, do something about it and submit a guest column to our email address. Al will make sure it gets posted. Have a good week!
For my viewing pleasure...
On many a sultry night I have been in front of the television, book in hand, trying my best to ignore the moving images blazing across the screen. Sometimes though, the images and the sounds are so compelling, I just can’t avert my eyes. These are the times when my existence seems worthwhile and my investment in a TV and in cable seems to have paid off. Of course I’m talking about infomercials, the masterpieces interspersed between actual shows, more entertaining than CSI, more informative than Lou Dobbs. So in tribute to these works of genius the following are the top 6 infomercials which kept me going in the most trying of times:
1) Ronco’s Knives. Man, if I ever want to cut my shoe there’s no other knife I’d rather have.
Favorite character: The bald guy who constantly chastises Ron for giving away too much for too little
2) Magic bullet: The margaritas look so good I may give up white wine for them
Favorite character: Maybe my favorite character of all time- Smoking lady with glasses and a nightdress
3) Total gym: Ooh, I can feel the burn just looking at babes and dudes who try out the gym, and of course Chuck Norris
Favorite character: Of course Chuck Norris
4) Proactiv solution: How did they get Diddy and Jessica to accept they had crap on their faces? Money makes the world go round, I guess.
Favorite character: Jessica wins by a zit
5) Video professor: The line about, “even my 2 year old daughter can use the computer better than me”. I mean really, how dumb are you and if you are so dumb how can you be the mother of a prodigy?
Favorite character: Bald guy who must surely be raking it in
6) Super absorbent dish rag: That guy conveys more information in 30 seconds than Microsoft Help in 30 days. And 4 rolls for 9.95. I’m sold
*Could not find a link, cause I don't remember what the product is called. Help!
Favorite character: the guy who does all the absorbing
That's my list, what's yours?
Honorable mention: To the bearded guy who used to do Oxy-clean and now does the things you hang stuff on. You may not have made it to my list, but in my heart you’ll always be number one.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Lollapa-issed Off
I've been attending the Chicago re-incarnation of Lollapalooza ever since it re-emerged in 2005, and so far have not been disappointed. They continue to get great acts every year, and thanks to an email I sent in 2005 complaining about the low stages, I've been on the email list to get 60 dollar tickets every year since. And they seem to have raised the stages. So, I'm using my considerable pull to plead with the good people at C3 Presents to please do something about the lineup conflicts.
Day 1 (click here to see full schedule)
The early part of the day is relatively conflict free. I'll probably check out Rogue Wave, then Go! Team and head over to see Jeff Tweedy at the kids stage on my way to Louis XIV. At the 6 o'clock hour, they really f'ed with my day though:
I want to see The Raconteurs, Cool Kids, CSS, Malkmus and Bloc Party, and will at best see part of 2 before I make my way to Radiohead. Brutal. Since I've seen Raconteurs and Malkmus before, I am thinking about going from Bloc Party to the end of the CSS set. But please, Lolla schedule maker, use your right to change the lineup to (see bottom of the picture) move at least one of these awesome bands to an earlier timeslot.
Day 2 (click here to see full schedule)
My early day 2 picks are Gutter Twins, Explosions in the Sky and Okkervil River, and I've heard good things about MGMT. Things start to get dicey with Battles, Lupe Fiasco and Broken Social Scene all lumped together at 6:30PM:
Apologies to Sharon Jones and the Toadies, but I've never heard of you and you therefore do not deserve a pre-headliner timeslot. (Editor's note: According to Tall Paul, I'm an idiot for not knowing the Toadies.) If I were the Lollapalooza organizer, I'd move Wilco into this slot, thus freeing me from choosing between them and Rage. As it stands, I will be checking out Battles and Rage since those are the two acts I haven't seen before.
Day 3 (click here to see full schedule)
My early day picks are Kid Sister, Iron & Wine and Blues Travel (just kidding). 6:30PM must be "mess with Mazerino" time at C3 because we have yet another conflict. This time, I've seen both acts--Girl Talk and Gnarls Barkley. But both are very good live, and I'm giving the nod to Girl Talk because the smooth stylings of Greg Gillis at his laptop can compel even me to dance like its my job. The biggest schedule conflict of the whole weekend for me occurs at 8:15 with co-headliners Kanye West and Nine Inch Nails facing off in a battle for my attention.
I've been looking forward to seeing NIN for a long time now, and I've read good things about Kanye's latest set. So, this is a conundrum. Since I've seen Kanye at Lolla two years ago, I'm going to have to check out NIN, but I beg of you, creator of the schedule, please move one of these acts!!
Final Note
I've been really digging Santogold (digging her so much that I'm linking to Myspace, a clunky social networking site that is no longer relevant), and she was in the original lineup. But, unless my eyes deceive me, she is nowhere to be seen in the current schedule. Where the heck has she gone? Please bring her back.
As always, feel free to leave your comments about what other bands I should check out, and if you feel compelled, you can email info at c3presents.com to complain about the schedule. Tell them Mazerino sent you.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Friday "Things Maz Likes" Mashup: Politics and Wearing a Funny Cap Edition
Al's note: I'm pinch-hitting* for the Maz as he takes a well deserved break from mashing up Barry with things he likes.
Readers may be familiar with my whining about school and how hard it was. Those of you who checked in on us yesterday also know that chapter is now over, and so I will have to find something new to whine about. I walk on Sunday (can't wait to throw on the gown), and although Barry will not be around to hand me my diploma I'm sure that he will be there in spirit (That's demanded of former U of C professors).
So this mashup celebrates things the Maz Likes and a thing that I will receive. To quote another MBA I can now "spend the rest of my days wondering what the hell am I doing with that degree." Click through to see the picture and mashup.
ObaMBA
* As I have already established, I love using Americanisms in my posts
Thursday, June 12, 2008
एक और कहानी खत्म ... (Another story reaches its end)
I have joined his tribe. May I make my parents as proud as he did.
PS: Contingent on me not failing the courses for which I just submitted my paper.
Meals of Mazerino: Daily Breakfast Edition
Every time I talk to Momerino she asks me what I ate. So, I've decided to start blogging my noteworthy meals if for no other reason than to cut 30 seconds out of my daily calls home (just kidding, mom).
Every morning, I eat breakfast at my cubicle so as to maximize my sleep time before work. I started out my professional career eating Cheerios and Nature Valley Sweet and Salty Nut Bars before migrating to Kashi Heart to Heart and Cinnamon Harvest. Late last year, I began to eat oatmeal religiously, but I recently got sick of that and moved on to this complete breakfast:
Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Goldfish Crackers and water. Mmmm, balanced breakfast and great way to kick off the day. And yes, that is a picture of myself in the background.
What do you eat for breakfast? Discuss in the comments.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Connection Found
I'm a big fan of the Craigslist Missed Connections. I have it in my RSS feed because occasionally I find a gem that I have to share. So, yesterday, I was intrigued when I saw this posting. For those too lazy to click, here's the text:
Subject: you won't type '4' for "for"... - w4m - 31 (lakeshore)
Body:
... and i love you for it. Baby.
Longtime readers (and month-long readers) will recognize that I never type '4' for "for" while texting or emailing as per rule number 3 from my Melting Ice post, replacing real words with numbers or single letters "makes you sound like a 12 year old girl." And I happen to live on Lake Shore Drive (Mazerino stalkers take note). So, clearly this message was intended for me.
31 year old female from parts slightly unknown, its time to step out of the shadows and claim your prize:
I'll be waiting patiently by my inbox.
Lack of updates update
Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but we have excuses:
- The weather's finally nice in Chicago and we can go outside to play
- Nothing has pissed Mazerino off lately
- Al is busy finishing up school
- Obama has won the Democratic nomination
- Fadilicious is in charge of this week's content
- We are busy working on our secondary jobs
Friday, June 6, 2008
Friday "Things I Like" Mashup: Politics and Self Edition
This week's mashup celebrates two monumental victories each more important than the next. Obama has captured the hearts of Americans and secured the Democratic Presidential nomination, and I, Mazerino, have beaten Grand Theft Auto 4 (the story portion anyway) to reclaim my social life. Both campaigns were hard-fought and went through rough patches--Reverend Jeremiah Wright for Obama and my messy breakup with Michelle about which I am still too distraught to write. But, in the end our victories were inevitable. So, here's to us (click through to see the mashup and picture):
Obamazerino
This is not in any way an altered photograph. Barack really is that tall and I was definitely not pointing at Alcatraz on a recent trip to San Francisco.
And I'd like to officially throw my hat into the ring for the VP position. I'm waiting patiently by the phone, Barry. Give me a call.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
My name is Al*
If anyone is keeping score I have made exactly one post since the hanging couch debacle of March 2008. Since then I have been inundated with a deluge of issues and problems in school, at work, and in life in general. I am putting this down to bad karma and the negative energy you guys have been sending my way.
Guys…stop hating. Life is too long to hold a grudge.
I need the love to tide me through the last 8 days of school Yaaaaaaa. So here’s to me receiving a barrage of positive energy.
Stay tuned for details on a graduation party ( no commitments, especially knowing how touchy you guys are) if I make it through the next 8 days.
*Shamelessly lifted from “My name is Earl” ( I love it when I can use American pop culture to embellish my posts)
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Controversial Statement Tuesday: Only In Town For A Couple Days Edition
Tourists suck.
Reason 1: They slow down my commute
I take public transportation to work because I'm a great person. It's an economical and eco-friendly way to get where I'm going, and it's usually pretty speedy as well. Except when a tourist intervenes. Nearly every week on my daily commute down Michigan Avenue, some lost tourist stops the bus, steps onto the first step, thus blocking people who know where they are going from entering, and asks "Is this the bus I take to get to Navy Pier?" No, dimwit. And then they stand there for another minute getting directions from the driver, while I watch the stoplight turn from green to yellow to fucked. Let me spare you the trouble, misguided tourist. Navy Pier sucks. Its sole purpose is to take your hard-earned dollars in exchange for a mediocre time. If you really want to get there, take a cab. Or walk. Something you don't get to do in Ruralia.
Reason 2: They block the sidewalk
Nothing pisses me off more than people who are unaware of their surroundings. On a nice summer day, I like to walk home from work. All too often, I'm trekking down Michigan Ave at a normal to brisk pace when I come upon a family of five walking at a slow to glacial pace five across down the sidewalk. If I say excuse me, I get a blank stare then thirty seconds of comprehension and then movement. This is far from the tourist's most egregious offense though. In fact, Michigan Avenue is a touristy area, so they should be allowed to occupy space at a gingerly pace. What bothers me most is when they douchily decide to take a picture that spans the width of the sidewalk blocking people from getting where they are going. The side of my head must be featured in at least 30 such pictures.
Reason 3: They have terrible taste in food
If you're going to come to my city and irritate the hell out of me, at least make it worth it. Go to the Hancock building and have drinks at the Signature Room. Check out the Lincoln Park Zoo or the Bean in Millennium Park. But most of all try our food. We're known for everything from junk food (pizza, gum and hot dogs) to fine dining (Trotter, Tramonto, Bayless) and I can think of dozens of restaurants in dozens of neighborhoods downtown and around that I'd like to try. So, it pisses me off to walk by a suburbanite ass to suburbanite elbow TGI Friday's mere steps away from Coco Pazzo. Talk to your concierge. Get a reservation at a real restaurant. I would venture to guess that there's a TGI Friday's, Ruby Tuesday's and Nothing To Do Saturday's within 20 minutes of your home.
Edited to add: Please leave comments about why you don't like tourists to visit your fair city in the comment section.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Friday "Things I Like" Mashup: Politics and Recreational Summertime Sand Activity
It's Friday, which means its time for another mashup. This week, North Avenue Beach in Chicago officially opened for the summer, and we can start playing volleyball again. Instead of dwelling on our second round playoff exit last year, team Camels and Elephants is looking ahead to the future and will be practicing in full contact mode on Sunday (let us know if you're interested in joining). To kick off the season properly, this week's mashup brings together two of my favorites. Click through to the full post to see!
Beach Volleybama
Apologies to BigChicken, whose space and legs from the original picture, Obama now occupies.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
It's not us, it's you, Fadilicious.
Editor's note: This was written before Fadilicious hastily posted his first piece in nearly three months after being tipped off to his impending termination by an Alnonymous informant. I have decided to publish it anyway since I thought you would enjoy it.
It's been nearly 2 months since Fadilicious' last post and he has officially squandered the outpouring of goodwill from those who voiced support to keep him. Al and I have encouraged him several times behind the scenes to post and he just hasn't made an effort. Because of his lack of motivation and recent budget cuts due to our financial situation, I am sad to announce that Fadilicious has been demoted to "guest blogger who will probably still never write anything." Yes, our ad revenue hasn't been pouring in like we'd hoped and we can no longer afford his fake health insurance. Luckily he has his second job to fall back on, and we look forward to seeing him around the office.
I know that you're saying to yourselves, "But Mazerino, it's called Camels and Elephants. It doesn't work with only one of each." You are absolutely correct, and in light of this problem and our dwindling readership (you're a fickle bunch), we've decided to re-brand. We will now be known as "Camel Sand Elephant S." Sure it doesn't sound as great, but we'll be able to keep our URL intact. That's something, right? Check out this leaked mockup of our new logo:
On an unrelated note, we are currently hiring bloggers whose names start with S. Those named Sandy will likely get preferential treatment.
Calling All Cows*
Ladies, now is your chance to get up close and personal with the Camels and Elephants. We need females for our co-ed recreational volleyball team. So, if you're available to play at North Avenue Beach in Chicago on Thursday nights, leave a message in the comments or send an email to camelsandelephants [at] gmail [dot] com.
*Remember that female camels and elephants are called cows.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Controversial Statement Tuesday: Gas Edition
I love higher gas prices
I’m sick of the daily weeping in the news and all around me over rising gas prices. Now I don’t own a car and I hate driving but I can’t seem to shed a tear for those who weep about gas prices. Here are my reasons.
1) If I’m ever in a car or cab going down any highway the number of people driving alone in a car which should fit at least 5 is sinful if you believe in God and immoral if you don’t. If all those lone rangers would just car pool and make some friends in the process this place would be so much better.
2) When gas prices go up people drive less, the freeway is emptier, and I get to where I want go faster. Hurray.
3) People will drive less = Cleaner air. Hurray.
4) People will drive less = Less oil money being spent in countries which don’t like the US. Hurray.
5) Gas prices go up = People will start to find alternatives. Now some may be bad (ethanol etc.) but I’m sure in time we may find something sustainable (biking, not traveling, cars running on air)
I can go on but I shall stop and refill my tank.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Friday "Things I Like" Mashup: Politics and Maternity Wear Slogan Edition
Sorry for the tardiness on this post, but after work I got sucked into a marathon GTA 4 session and then Michelle and I hit a rough patch after I found out she was lying to me. That's a post of its own, hopefully next week. After that mess, I had a wonderful dinner with my parents at Frankie's in the Bloomingdale's mall downtown. They have pretty good pizza and the bar has Left Handed Milk Stout for fellow beer enthusiasts. Anyway, there is a point to this digression, because after dinner we walked by a maternity store and my sister snapped this week's mashup picture (click the link to see the pic):
Mama for Obama
Clearly, the makers of this t-shirt have Friday "Things Mazerino Likes" Fever as they've done all the work for me this week. Camels and Elephants mania is sweeping the nation one textile maker at a time.
Unfortunately, I don't know any ladies who are expecting (sorry Eileen, it could have been yours). And since Michelle and I hit a rough patch, it doesn't look like I'll be fathering anytime soon.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Melting Ice
Last week, I received an errant text from a 567 area code number (Northwest Ohio). I know it wasn't meant for me because, while my phone number is from the same area (419 represent!), the only NW Ohio texts I get are from Momerino 3 to 17 times a day. This particular message was perplexing for a couple reasons. Here it is in its unedited glory:
"I dont care if come i was just wondering y u would ~Ice"
1. How do you mistext someone? I refuse to believe anyone who refers to himself as Ice is pulling digits, but if he met an unsuspecting lady at a bar and she gave him a fake number, surely this wouldn't be his first attempt at courtship. So, assuming he's having a text-versation with someone, and this is a follow-up to a previous message, then that means Ice is typing in his friend's number every time he sends him/her a text. Which makes him a moron for not knowing how to program his phone.
2. The message makes no grammatical sense. Ice's grasp of the English language is severely lacking. I plugged "come" into T9word and alternate words include "bone," "bond," "Anne" and "bonfire." So, I can only surmise that he meant "I don't care if you come i was just wondering y u would."
3. Ice's time- and keystroke-saving strategies are flawed at best. While it is commonplace to replace words like "why" and "you" with "y" and "u," it makes you sound like a 12 year old girl. Furthermore, if Ice really wanted to save himself some time, he could have eliminated "just" and his stupid signoff, "~Ice." If you're sending a message to someone, they know who you are, and finding a tilde (~) on T9 is time-consuming. I had to hit "1" and scroll 26 times to find it on my phone.
Lessons to be learned from this: Don't send text messages unless you choose the correct contact, proofread, and use big kid words.
Ice, if u somehow stumble upon this and were inviting me to a bonfire i apologize.. I an flattered but i dont want 2 in wit u. ~Maz
Monday, May 19, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Friday "Things I Like" Mashup: Politics and Rated M For Mature Video Games Edition
Anyone who's read my last post has to know where this one is going. I'm going to change up the format a bit from previous mashups by having you click through to the post to see this week's version though.
This week, I purchased Grand Theft Auto 4 for PS3, and I've been playing it non-stop. It was also a good week for my favorite politician, Obama, as he picked up some supers and an endorsement from John Edwards. So, to honor our good weeks, I hereby declare this week's mashup to be:
Grand Theft Auto-bama 4
I would have spent much more time preparing this picture and post, but I had to get back to playing the game. Until next time,
--Mazerino
Mazerino <3 Michellerino 4 Ever
Generally, I don't make a habit about posting the intimate personal details online, but something in my personal life has detracted from my blogging life. So, I'm coming clean. I've found love, and I don't care who knows it! Sorry ladies, but I met my new lady, Michelle, on Monday and it's been a whirlwind romance so far. We've already gone on 4 dates (yowsers!) and I am confident she's the one. If I had to estimate our fondness for each other, I'd put it at around 97%. Similarly to most people in relationships, I will be abandoning my real friends (you loyal readers) for the lady I love and my posts will be fewer and further between.
I apologize, but in our brief courtship we haven't been able to take any pictures together--I promise we'll hit up the Glamour Shots at the mall soon--so I had to Photoshop Microsoft Paint us together. To see more of me and Michelle*, click the full post link below:
I don't even care that she's been with 6 million other guys in the last week.
*Ok, that's not the real Michelle, but I spent 30 mins looking for a picture of her on the Internet when I could have been playing GTA 4.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Politicious Edition - Why wouldn't she quit?
If the math doesn't work for her, what is Hillary's rational for staying in the race? To put it in John King's words (since "no one does it better than John"), "it is not impossible for her to win, but it is next to impossible". I know she is convinced that she is a better candidate to win the general elections, but that is irrelevant since every candidate thinks that way. I say this is pure selfishness on her part and the arguments she is giving are all rubbish.
May I beg the favor to know the opinion of our dear and faithful readers?
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Douche of the Week: Keith and Lanarino's Upstairs Neighbor Edition
Although an overwhelming number of you haven't forgiven him, Al's reign as chief douche is officially over with this guest submission from Keith (or something that starts with a K, I always forget) and Lanarino in Columbus, O-H-I-shut up. This marks our first ever guest column that isn't a column at all, but a picture instead. Enjoy.
Makes sense, although Al may take issue with the douches being elephants...
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Momerino's O-momma Day Gift
As promised, Momerino is getting an IOU for a great gift, and I'm proud to announce it for the first time ever on Camels and Elephants:
Longtime Mazfans will know of my affinity for the Wii. It was, after all, the first thing I ever blogged about. What you probably don't know is that it was my wonderful mother who stood in line at the Nintendo World store in NYC last winter to buy me this glorious machine (I still have the voicemail from after she bought it saved). After a few rounds of Wii bowling and boxing she too got Wii-ver (Wii + fever, dummy) and eventually picked one up for herself at her favorite store, Costco.
The next great Wii "game" coming out is Wii Fit, a program with a balance board that teaches you exercises and tracks your progress. So, I've decided, along with my sisters Lanarino and Wallyrino to pre-order my mom a copy for when it comes out later this month--hence the IOU. Happy Mother's day, G!
Publish Post
--Mazerino, Lanarino and Wallyrino
Friday, May 9, 2008
Friday "Things I Like" Mashup: Politics and Maternal Parent Holiday Edition
Just a quickie mashup, likely posted too late for anyone to read it:
As you may well know, this is a very important weekend for mothers everywhere but Momerino in particular. Saturday is her one week anniversary of appearing on Ellen, and of course Sunday is Mother's Day where she'll be receiving an IOU for a very spectacular gift!!! To celebrate my mom, grandma and all the mom's around the world, I give you this week's mashup:
O-momma Day (a.k.a Oba-mother's Day--I couldn't decide)
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Momerino the international celebrity (for 2 seconds)
Last Friday, around 2:30PM, I was working diligently as usual, and I got a text from my mom. She regularly sends anywhere from 3 to 17 texts every day since I taught her how to use T9Word (big mistake), but this one actually caught my attention:
"I saw Ellen Degeneres she gave me popcorn"
Despite her lack of punctuation, I was intrigued so I called her back to find out what the heck she was talking about. It turns out that Ellen DeGeneres was in Chicago this weekend filming her talk show, and she had a segment where she was handing out Garrett's popcorn to people on the street.
Quick aside: For non-Chicagoans, Garrett's is a "gourmet" popcorn shop on Michigan Avenue that garners huge lines of tourists ([side]walk blockers as I call them) looking for mediocre sweet and salty treats. It's not as big a tourist trap as Navy Pier, but there's really nothing special about the popcorn. There are very few places worth standing in a long line for food, and this isn't one of them. I would however recommend Hot Doug's and my favorite authentic local Mexican place, Chipotle, to tourists and Chicagoans alike looking to quell their hunger.
So, I DVR'ed the Tuesday show to see if I could catch a glimpse of the scene in question and, to my great pleasure, I spotted Momerino within seconds (hooray!):
Celebrities besides Momerino on the show included Robin Williams and recently dismissed American Idol contestants Michael Johns and Carly Smithson. And if you think I name-dropped those celebrities to up our Google cachet, you'd be absolutely correct. I did notice that Ellen does a fair amount of dancing, and while she's great at it, she's not in the same league as this guy.
Monday, May 5, 2008
To err is Al Waris, to forgive, Mazerino
"I did not have sexual relations with that couch"Ladies and gentlemen, I am appalled by Al's deception but find his candor in the matter refreshing. A coward would have led you to believe he purchased the RoomPlace Uptown II sofa until you forgot and carried on with your lives. Like Alexander Pope once said, "to err is human, to forgive, divine." It is in that same vein that I accept Al's apology and encourage you to do the same so we can put this whole sordid mess behind us. Let's not forget that while we are all feeling betrayed and bewildered, the real loser in all of this is the RoomPlace at Harlem Furniture.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Douche of the Week: Campaign Al Edition
Wow, I can’t believe the response we got. Over 200 votes from people who wanted to weigh in on how I decorated my living room. Thanks so much, although I felt a bit like Ed from Ed TV (minus the abs…working on it though).
But I have a confession to make and my heart aches as I make it. Now I know how Bill felt the second time he addressed the nation. After the first round of voting, I was inspired to go out and look at furniture. In my zealousness to right my past wrongs I went a little overboard and purchased a couch. I know, I'm sorry, and that’s why the Douche of the Week title goes to me.
Well why did I let this charade go on? I did not want to upset Mazerino who had so much invested in this so I played him and the rest of you and for that I am sorry.
To compensate,
1) I’m going to get rid of my biggest asset and I promise not to reacquire it for 370 days (that’s one day for every vote that was cast, and one extra day for every vote that was cast for #3). Yes, I am going to get rid of my beard, the beard that got me countless second glances and stares.
2) I relinquish 1% of my 48% stake in C&E and redistribute it among all those who voted.
3) I relinquish my title as VP of the "Poll Fairness and Ethics Committee"
4) I promise never to take off my clothes when I sit on the couch (at least when someone’s in the room)
But there are some positives to this experience
1) Berg and Rach showed that a “get out the vote” campaign really works (More in a forthcoming political post)
2) I bought a couch (Everyone is invited to sit on it and have a glass of red wine if they promise not to spill it)
3) People have learned that a majority does not necessarily translate into a win, especially if the Supreme Court intervenes
Oh… and in case you’re interested I bought #2 in a brown shade. Hopefully it’s worth the burden of letting you down, a burden that I am going to carry with me for the rest of my life.
PS Coming soon...Vote for my bed.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Friday "Things I Like" Mashup: Politics and Southern States From Which Someone Voted During Campaign Al
We've been on an unpublicized quest to get at least one visit from every state in the US. So far, we've had viewers from 25 states and D.C. and, during Campaign Al, we added a much sought after southern state to the mix. In honor of becoming our 25th state, I am proud to announce this week's mashup:
O-la-bama
Unrelated Camels and Elephants news:
--Al has informed me that he will be writing a response to our campaign on Monday. So, look forward to that.
--Fadilicious has promised to make his long awaited, much anticipated return to the blog later today. If not, he's re-fired.
Campaign Al: We have a winner!
Wow, what a contest!
From the beginning, you summarily dismissed couch number 1 as bachelor pad-esque and cheesy, and couch 3 looked to be headed for certain victory over form-over-function couch 2. But, late Thursday evening the left-for-dead couch 2 made a strong surge to pull within 8 votes of the lead (excitement!). Then, presumably led by a Berg-ian "get out the vote" effort which netted us some new readers (welcome and feel free to look around), couch 3 took flight yet again.
Over 220 votes later, and we have a winner. Drumroll please. Al will be enjoying his wine in the buff on his Roomplace Uptown II sofa!!! This is what we think that will look like:
Of course, now he actually has to purchase the couch, but that should be formality given the initiative he's demonstrated in the past. What say you, Al? The people have spoken, and the ball is in your court...